Greetings, Earthling readers. I am What-oh! The Comics Daily Watcher. Once in a while, a comic comes along so horrible that it gives everyone who reads it a stomach ulcer. Titans #1, for instance. However, once in a cosmic lifetime, this happens twice in the same week. This week, for instance. The simultaneous release of Ultimates 3 #4 and Hulk #4 has brought me forth from my lunar hideout to witness two of the most amazingly stupid comics ever published, and record the event for all history to see.

No-one here on the moon is quite sure what Jeph Loeb is thinking, but one thing is certain: he’s releasing some of the most error-prone and unreadable comics that Marvel have published for years, and he’s using two of their biggest properties to do it. While I am pledged never to interfere with human events, I can at least rely on the Comics Daily guys to do it for me. What follows is a double-shot examination of the comics in question, starting with a deconstruction of Ultimates v3 #4, by Seb Patrick:

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As we mentioned last time, Ultimates really is impossible to review by now – all we can really do is sit here taking potshots at all the ludicrously basic continuity errors, appalling dialogue and general disdain for all that is good and proper about comics. Welcome, then, to JEPH LOEB’S ULTIMATE ULTIMATES #4 – THE STUPID CONTINUES. It’s as much fun as shooting monkeys in a barrel. Or something.

Page 1 –

Oh, that’s a hell of a caption to get us started. So you can be specific (and, er, wrong, as we’ll see) about the location, but not the date? What, exactly, is the point in saying “Years ago”? The page is GREY. Grey is comics shorthand for “years ago”. Way to labour the point, Loeb. Oh, wait, sorry, forgot who I was talking to, there. Keep labouring.

Ignoring yet another instance of misspelling “Erik”, why are they going to Australia? Is that famously-uninhabited island going to be the new home of the mutant race?

Page 2 –
So the plane crashes in the Savage Land. It’s nice, that, the way Erik and Chuck discover the place at the same time. It’s a good job Mark Millar didn’t already write an issue of Ultimate X-Men in which Mags discovered the place on his own and subsequently brought Charlie there, eh?

Remember, kids, Marvel trust Jeph Loeb so much they’re letting him bring about the end of a universe about which he has never read a single comic!

Page 4 –

Baby Ka-Zar and Shanna is such a fucking ridiculous image that I can’t even muster the energy to talk about it.

Page 6 –

Another helpful caption, there, just in case we thought the switch back to colour and the presence of some sabre-toothed tigers made us believe we were in 1980s Brooklyn.

… and here we have the first instance (no, it won’t be the last) of Loeb clearly shoehorning in a line that addresses some of the criticism aimed at his earlier issues. What, you think there’s another reason why this issue was so badly delayed? “Look, everyone, there’s a reason why Thor isn’t using Mjolnir! He just chose to use a different one from the many he has available!” Oh, well. That’s alright, then.

Page 7 –

So Captain America, who doesn’t like swearing or revealing outfits or anything about the world post-1950, is a fan of Terminator 2. Great. Don’t worry, though. This line will be explained later. You’ll love the explanation. Trust me. Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Page 8 –

Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Yes, folks, Cap was really a robot! One robot killed another robot in order to try and do exactly the same thing! You know what this reminded me of? That Red Dwarf episode, “Psirens”. So yes, Cap quoted a famous movie about a murderous robot because he himself was a murderous robot! I love this book so much. I’m also looking forward to the explanation for why Wolverine wasn’t able to smell the fact that these guys were fakes. Because I know an explanation is coming! It’s Loeb!

In between miraculously recovering from drugs overdoses and escaping ankle-tagging house arrest (explanation : “That’s not important right now”) Hank Pym still finds time to wish for the death of America’s greatest super-hero. So hey, one aspect of Ultimates characterisation IS still intact!

Pages 9 to… oh, God, I don’t know, this goes on for ages

So now we’re treated to a whole bunch of pages of the Ultimates fighting the Brotherhood of Mutants. I’m not quite sure why this is happening, to be honest. As far as I can see, Wanda was murdered, and her body taken by Magneto and Pietro. I think the Ultimates think Magneto did it, although I don’t know why they think they’re more qualified to comment than Pietro. Anyway, their response to this is to go to the Savage Land and FIGHT MUTANTS, rather than letting two men grieve the loss of their daughter/sister.

Anyway, Hawkeye acts like a dick, Sabretooth fights tigers (DO YOU SEE BECAUSE THEY ARE SABRE TOOTHED TIGERS), Shanna does nothing but call Ka-Zarr “lover”, the Juggernaut shows up, Wolverine says “@#$%” a lot, and Valkyrie is made to wonder if her life as a hero is real or imaginary, even though Millar already did THAT EXACT SAME PLOT WITH THOR.

Oh, and Pyro, last seen in Ultimate X-Men as one of the, er, X-Men, appears to have turned into Doctor Light.

Page 20 –

“Apart from being all kinds of dead, yeah”

Oh, wait, this might be another attempt at foreshadowing. Like the fact that we suddenly don’t know where Captain America is, and yet we still haven’t heard Black Panther speak. Whoooooh.

Page 21 –

“Er, because I’m not mincing around fretting about things?

Er, Jan. Read Secret Invasion. Or watch any film ever where someone has had to prove to someone else who they really are. Incidentally, female characters in this series so far : whiny moaning Wanda, boobs-hanging-out Valley girl Valkyrie, boobs-hanging-out cavegirl Shanna, and Jan the Thicko. Well played, Loeb!

Fractionalize. Verb. 1. To appear in a Matt Fraction comic. Usage example : “Tony Stark was so much better when he was Fractionalized, rather than Loebotomized.”

Also, did Loeb really just use the word “poo”? Really?

Page 22 -

Dude, you’re an extremely lifelike humanoid robot masquerading as a superhero in a plot ripped off from Secret Invasion, Battlestar Galactica or a combination of the two. Odds are, nobody’s ever thought of you as a toaster. The only things that people think of as toasters are… you know… toasters. And combination grills, at a pinch. Also, ignoring the “hur hur hur, SEX!!!1″ nature of the line, I don’t know about you, but I can think of far worse things to be than a vibrator.

Such as Jeph Loeb, for one.

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Ouch. Truly, even the great Galactus would wince if he received that kind of verbal shredding. But wait! We’re only half done.  Despite James being a big fan of the Hulk, previous issues of his new series have, er, not been received well.

Bad reviews make Hulk angry, I believe, but at least I’m safe from any attacks. After all, with my non-interference pledge, I can be assured that, like Switzerland during World War 2, I remain a neutral, safe and overflowing with Nazi gold. Unlike that fool Uatu, who just has to be on the front line every time Galactus wants a light snack. When will he ever learn?

Next up is James’ take on Hulk #4:

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Marvel have recently released a statement saying that Hulk #4 had, once again, sold out at the print level. While that may be true, it’s nothing if not discouraging. I’ve been reading the Hulk a LONG time, and he’s one of my favourite characters. Today I’m here to tell you why Jeph Loeb’s Hulk #4 is an OBJECTIVELY bad comic. One so bad I couldn’t actually believe what I was reading.

Previously…
THE RED HULK IS ON THE LOOSE AND HE’S A TOTAL @#$%ING BADASS. HE SHOT THE ABOMINATION! HE BEAT UP THE OTHER, RICK “A-BOMB” JONES ABOMINATION, WHO IS NOW BLUE. CAN ANYONE STOP THIS WALKING PILE OF AWESOME? MAYBE, BECAUSE THE GREEN HULK JUST SHOWED UP!

The issue opens with the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY:

That right. The Hulk punches out the Watcher. Why? BECAUSE RED HULK IS THE KEWLEST ONE THERE IS, THAT’S WHY.

We then return to your regularly scheduled “plot” as the Green Hulk, last seen confronting the Red Hulk in the cliffhanger to #3 shows up from wherever he was while Red Hulk was beating up the Watcher.

“After all, it’s been like 2 solid months since the last issue.”

Anyway, the fight we’ve been waiting to see finally begins! Naturally, the Red Hulk’s going to win, because he’s a COMPLETE BADASS. And how do we know? Because there’s LOTS OF THAT FAKE SWEARING GOING ON:

Seriously, what the hell? If you REALLY think a character needs to swear, let them swear. If not, don’t bother with this half-way house bollocks. Everyone reading @#$% knows what it means, even the kids. Okay, yes, you don’t want swearing in a Marvel all-ages comic. That’s fine, but that means that you SHOULDN’T DO THIS EITHER. The worst crime, though? It’s not even INTERESTING to read. At least when Bendis does the fake swearing, it’s to add texture to character’s individual speech patterns. Here, Loeb is using it purely in the absence of any dialogue that’s actually interesting or witty, to illustrate just how @#$%ING COOL THE MOTHER@#$%ING RED HULK IS. He would totally @#$% your @#$% up, then probably @#$% your sister in her [Volkswagen --ed] just to prove he’s the baddest @#$%er around. You @#$%head.

Anyway, the Red and Green Hulk fight. This takes up 8 pages, mostly of the Red Hulk spewing dialogue about how he is the most awesomest Hulk of the available choices. Green Hulk is finally strangled into unconsciousness, a fate that unfortunately eludes the readers of this comic.

Meanwhile, back at the latest trashed SHIELD Helicarrier, Iron Man and Maria Hill are trying to figure out what happened, when they discover a ripped coat:

Saturated with Gamma radiation, is it? Sounds like the field officers are playing a practical joke on you there, Ms. Hill. Wikipedia describes Gamma Radiation as “the most dangerous form of radiation emitted by a nuclear explosion because of the difficulty in shielding it.” Probably going to need a little more than those tongs to keep you safe. Lucky SHIELD’s no place for kids, because her chances of having any just dropped off the scale.

That’s right. Tony Stark, the Marvel Universe’s premiere futurologist can’t figure out that someone’s Gamma-saturated, shredded coat that tore when the person wearing it GREW suggests that it might belong to THE GAMMA-EMITTING RED HULK THAT DESTROYED THEIR HELICARRIER FROM THE INSIDE. You know, the one they’ve been TRYING TO TRACK DOWN FOR 4 ISSUES.

Elsewhere, the Green Hulk wakes up, and the Red Hulk has a gun stuck right in his mouth! He delivers a big monologue about how difficult it was to keep Hulk Hulked-out while he was unconscious, which he wanted, because…

The main question here, then, is WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE HULK TO WAKE UP TO KILL HIM? If you wanted him dead, AND he was the Hulk while you were bringing him to this bridge for no reason, WHY NOT JUST SHOOT HIM BEFORE HE WAKES UP? You’ll notice the Hulk has a gun in his mouth, so it’s not like Red Hulk is after a fair fight here.

Luckily, the Green Hulk bites the gun in half and escapes by falling off the bridge into a river. Red Hulk declares himself the strongest one there is, thanks to victory by default! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! THE TWO GREATEST WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

But wait! It’s not over! WHO SHOULD SHOW UP BUT THOR? What’s this? Are we in for our third straight issue of Red Hulk Vs. Someone who loses so we know that he’s the most badass punching man in all of Marvel?! I BELIEVE SO! The cliffhanger declares, VERILY:

At which point, my ears actually began to bleed. CONTINUEDETH? Leaving aside the fact that Straczynski’s Thor doesn’t even talk in King James English, STAN LEE HIMSELF WOULDN’T HAVE MANGLED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAT POORLY.

The issue ends with a one-pager by Audrey Loeb and Chris Giarusso, which is far superior to anything on the previous 22 pages.

In summation: Don’t buy Hulk #4. Just don’t. It is VERY BAD.

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See! What did I tell you? Uatu’s had that beating coming to him for years. Well Earthlings, let’s hope we’ve all learnt something from this heinous display of comic-creation. Now it’s time for me to return to my golden castle on the dark side of the moon to lay in seclusion and watch. Only when a comic at least as bad as one of these returns will I emerge again. Until then, know this: if you buy either of these comics, I’ll see you doing it, and I know where you live. And what you do at night when you think you’re alone, you pervert. Adam Hughes would blush.

There’s plenty of news worth commenting on straight out of Wizard World Chicago as the Summer’s con season truly gets going, including reflections on the unfortunate passing of Mike Turner, Ghost Rider news (seriously), the near-mythical Superman 2000 pitch and Eric Stephenson’s recent promotion.
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Ellis’ run on Thunderbolts has had a relatively slow, menacing burn throughout its pages, even when all hell was breaking loose in Thunderbolts Mountain. With his final issue, he really blows the lid off of all of his building subplots, making the 12-issue run a nicely complete piece of writing, with every character tension finally bubbling to the surface, with particular fanboy glee at seeing the Doc Samson Vs Moonstone “battle of the psychiatrists.”

Even so, the book’s standout moment has to be seeing Osborn back in the Goblin costume and running riot. It was utterly brilliant comics, and it’s hard to imagine the character now without thinking of Ellis’ pill-popping, brilliantly intelligent take as being the definitive one. That said, the idea of this version of Osborn fighting Spider-Man is utterly laughable, if only because Osborn would probably have him torn in half before he had a chance to say “my spidey-sense is tingling!” Ellis is clearly having fun writing Osborn’s dialogue, with constant poor-taste references to his murdering of Gwen Stacy, and as a result he’s clearly the breakout character for the title.

That’s not to say that Ellis doesn’t get the rest of the cast – after all, Bullseye’s unexpected return was a great twist, and even Penance gets his moment. There’s not been a neglected member in the cast for the duration of his run.

Putting Songbird “in charge” of the team is a welcome development for all long-time Thunderbolts fans, and suggests that in future, the book will move slightly more in the direction of the standard superheroics that typified its run – not that the bleak, oppressive governmental version hasn’t been fun, but it’ll be nice to see a change of pace if Ellis can’t be the one writing it. Osborn’s ability to sleaze his way out of culpability for his rampage is almost too neat, as he gets away with everything American Psycho-style. Even so, this leaves incoming writer Christos Gage with some good opportunities – after all, is Osborn got away with it once…

It’s been a good run. Even with Ellis at the helm, Thunderbolts was never going to be seen as a top tier Marvel book, but for the last 12 issues, it’s definitely been one of the best reads. The one distracting thing is Deodato’s penchant for drawing the characters as recognisable celebrities. This week: Ed Norton as Penance is added to the “cast”. Can we please stop this?

It’s a well-established narrative trope – heck, you could call it a cliché if you want – that as soon as someone goes on about how happy they are with everything, something’s about to happen to make it rather less so. So when we open James Robinson’s first Superman issue with a charming scene featuring Clark playing fetch in space with Krypto (while a bemused Hal Jordan looks on) and remarking on how great things are, I can’t help but get worried. Not for Lois – not even the events of Final Crisis #2 are enough to make me think anything bad’s ever going to happen to her – but for Krypto. Seriously, if something happens to that dog, I’m dropping the book like a stone.

Following that opening sequence – which in its few pages is enough to give us a sense of the way Robinson is approaching the character – we spend the remainder of the issue in a Superman-less Metropolis, and in one of many inevitable Starman comparisons, it’s clear straight away that he intends to use the city itself as a character rather than simply a backdrop for the artist – as a big monster rages through the streets to be taken on by the power-suited “Science Police”, it’s very much an “only in Metropolis” kind of story. For the main narrative, meanwhile, he falls back on another of his preferred devices – looking at the action through the eyes, and thoughts, of supporting characters. In this instance, it’s a member of the Science Police, and it’s good to see a certain amount of ambiguity as regards someone’s reaction to Superman – sometimes he hates him for making their job look trivial, sometimes he’s in awe of what the guy can do. It’s not black-and-white – it’s believable. It’s exactly the sort of vignette we used to see dotted throughout Starman (indeed, unlike with a lot of writers, I wouldn’t necessarily expect the character to show up again after this), and it demonstrates that one of the keystones of Robinson’s run will (hopefully) be character work – undeniably his biggest strength as a writer. And unlike his One Year Later Batman story, a longer run here will hopefully mean that that sort of thing gets time to breathe.

Renato Guedes has already made waves as an occasional Superman artist in the last couple of years, and it’s good to see him locked in to a proper run on the main title – as he’s one of the best out there at drawing the character at the moment. As I’ve said before, he reminds me of Jackson (Butch) Guice’s early/mid ’90s work, and his Superman has the requisite mixture of power and grace. He’s also no slouch when it comes to the action sequences, and there’s a pleasing amount of precision to his linework and Wilson Magalhaes’ inks – although some of the rippling muscle shots of Atlas leave a bit to be desired.

It’s a promising start, anyway. It doesn’t do anything mindblowing, doesn’t promise much in the way of great shakeups – but it shows a measured pace in building things up, and the tone is absolutely spot on. Robinson is clearly, just for the moment, setting himself up to bed in for the long haul – and as long as he doesn’t do anything to that dog, I’m happy to join him.

Every Wednesday we take turns to delve into our trusty longboxes, pluck out a dusty back issue, and give you our thoughts. We’ll also try and place it in the context of the time it was originally published.

Dusting Off’s been fairly X-heavy of late, but with Ed Brubaker hastily moving pieces into place for Astonishing X-Men #25, it’s worth taking a look at the last time Warren Ellis was asked to bring something different to Marvel’s mutants. As part of the X-Men’s 2000 re-launch, Marvel hired Ellis to take control of three of the line’s under performing spin offs, and re-conceptualise them under the banner “Counter-X”. The writer took an extremely critical look at each of the titles, stripping them back to their unique storytelling elements. Ellis co-wrote eight issues of each book, before handing over to the series’ permanent writer, in this case a pre-DMZ Brian Wood.

Unsurprisingly, given its promotion as a jumping on-point for new readers, Ellis makes his all-new villain a key part of the issue, choosing to open with an introductory sequence in which Coffin, a “war-criminal for hire” demonstrates his abilities and viciousness. In creating this opponent, the writer has clearly focussed on what made this part of the X-franchise distinctive. Coffin is not interested in mutation, which only features in the story as the means by which Generation X are able to fight him. The “Warden” is a disciplinarian, running a sci-fi/ horror young-offenders institution for the culprits of thought crimes. No punches are pulled in establishing this setting, with the Columbine shootings explicitly mentioned in the dialogue. However, what should be an unforgivable lapse in taste is made much more acceptable by Steve Pugh’s restrained art, which is just as easily able to illustrate decades old cyborg-children as comical exchanges between Jubilee and Chamber. Wood’s scripting also impresses, with some extremely natural-sounding dialogue given to each of the teens. He also finally manages to blend the lighter and darker sides of Emma Frost’s personality, which had been only shown alternately since the character was brought over to the side of the angels.

In hindsight, what proves most striking about the issue is the ruthlessness shown to the comic’s previous incarnation. In a move somewhat ahead of its time, Generation X’s Academy had functioned as an actual school, well before either 20^th Century Fox or Grant Morrison applied the same approach to the X-Men themselves. Ellis clearly decided to strip the cast down to a skeleton crew of its iconic figures, with the titular generation reduced to its four most interesting members. We rejoin the students in an almost ruined academy, and dialogue makes it clear that some of the missing have died off-panel since the previous story. Although missing the high-concept driven approach that has characterised the writer’s more famous work, there isn’t a shortage of new ideas here, with the paradoxes of government illustrated in a throwaway line. Roots of Ellis’s current preoccupation with communication technology may also be glimpsed, with Paige discovering Coffin’s activities through newsgroups.

It’s almost disturbing how clinically Ellis cuts away vast parts of the book’s previous identity. The “superheroes-in-training” approach that has always characteristed books of this sort is discarded; leaving its cast attempting to find ways they can actually change the almost-real world they’ve been placed in. Deliberately confining himself to a tiny periphery of the X-universe, Ellis still manages to create a compelling story, making his forthcoming centre-stage role an even more intriguing prospect.

It’s been a while since we checked in on Brand New Day, as it’s still being called. Seriously, isn’t it time to drop that particular piece of marketing-speak? The initial thrill has now roundly worn off, and the glut of new enemies and characters is starting to weaken a little.

It’s fairly confusing that, of all the writers on the Spidey “Brain Trust”, Bob Gale appears to be the one getting the most stories out the door – especially because he’s the got most individual style of the four (and, some would certainly argue, the worst style.) His frequent use of expository captions is quite grating, and his spidey wisecracks seem dated and unfunny, especially when placed alongside Slott’s genuinely hilarious dialogue.

Gale’s last two issues have made use of the interesting concept (recently introduced to the Spider-Man universe) of “The Bookie” – a small-time crook who takes bets on Superhero fights in the Bar With No Name – a super-villain sanctuary. The idea is uniquely suited to Spider-Man, and adds nicely to the fabric of the Marvel Universe. Unfortunately, Gale’s attempt to write a story about the character – while quite welcome – has ended up jettisoning the elements that made Brand New Day seem successful in the first place – as a result it doesn’t feel classically-influenced so much as it feels generic.

There are some good moments – the bartender halting the fight because technically, Spider-Man’s a “villain” and the bar is a sanctuary for crooks was a nice touch, as was Spidey making use of the cross-town train system in lieu of swinging. Finally, too, we get some advancement on the Spider-Tracer killer plotline which has been running through the books – turns out, Spidey’s being set up, though if it’s clear the “victims” died of natural causes, one would hope that it’d be… picked up by the coroner? Personally, my money’s on the “killer” being one of Spidey’s more well-known foes, and that this plotline might actually tie into the return of Venom.

Largely, though, it feels like a bit of a mis-fire, and perhaps because while there’s a lot of Spider-Man, there’s not actually much Peter Parker – he appears in one panel at the end. If the idea behind Brand New Day was to get back to Peter’s life, this issue is definitely a failure in that regard. McKone’s artwork is reliably good, at least, but he colouring seems a little too muddy and dull, and makes the book read about as entertainingly as it’s written.

Certainly Amazing #563 isn’t the worst Brand New Day issue, but it does have the dubious honour of being the least remarkable – and that might ultimately be more of a worry in the long run.