Greetings, Earthling readers. I am What-oh! The Comics Daily Watcher. Once in a while, a comic comes along so horrible that it gives everyone who reads it a stomach ulcer. Titans #1, for instance. However, once in a cosmic lifetime, this happens twice in the same week. This week, for instance. The simultaneous release of Ultimates 3 #4 and Hulk #4 has brought me forth from my lunar hideout to witness two of the most amazingly stupid comics ever published, and record the event for all history to see.

No-one here on the moon is quite sure what Jeph Loeb is thinking, but one thing is certain: he’s releasing some of the most error-prone and unreadable comics that Marvel have published for years, and he’s using two of their biggest properties to do it. While I am pledged never to interfere with human events, I can at least rely on the Comics Daily guys to do it for me. What follows is a double-shot examination of the comics in question, starting with a deconstruction of Ultimates v3 #4, by Seb Patrick:

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As we mentioned last time, Ultimates really is impossible to review by now – all we can really do is sit here taking potshots at all the ludicrously basic continuity errors, appalling dialogue and general disdain for all that is good and proper about comics. Welcome, then, to JEPH LOEB’S ULTIMATE ULTIMATES #4 – THE STUPID CONTINUES. It’s as much fun as shooting monkeys in a barrel. Or something.

Page 1 –

Oh, that’s a hell of a caption to get us started. So you can be specific (and, er, wrong, as we’ll see) about the location, but not the date? What, exactly, is the point in saying “Years ago”? The page is GREY. Grey is comics shorthand for “years ago”. Way to labour the point, Loeb. Oh, wait, sorry, forgot who I was talking to, there. Keep labouring.

Ignoring yet another instance of misspelling “Erik”, why are they going to Australia? Is that famously-uninhabited island going to be the new home of the mutant race?

Page 2 –
So the plane crashes in the Savage Land. It’s nice, that, the way Erik and Chuck discover the place at the same time. It’s a good job Mark Millar didn’t already write an issue of Ultimate X-Men in which Mags discovered the place on his own and subsequently brought Charlie there, eh?

Remember, kids, Marvel trust Jeph Loeb so much they’re letting him bring about the end of a universe about which he has never read a single comic!

Page 4 –

Baby Ka-Zar and Shanna is such a fucking ridiculous image that I can’t even muster the energy to talk about it.

Page 6 –

Another helpful caption, there, just in case we thought the switch back to colour and the presence of some sabre-toothed tigers made us believe we were in 1980s Brooklyn.

… and here we have the first instance (no, it won’t be the last) of Loeb clearly shoehorning in a line that addresses some of the criticism aimed at his earlier issues. What, you think there’s another reason why this issue was so badly delayed? “Look, everyone, there’s a reason why Thor isn’t using Mjolnir! He just chose to use a different one from the many he has available!” Oh, well. That’s alright, then.

Page 7 –

So Captain America, who doesn’t like swearing or revealing outfits or anything about the world post-1950, is a fan of Terminator 2. Great. Don’t worry, though. This line will be explained later. You’ll love the explanation. Trust me. Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Page 8 –

Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Yes, folks, Cap was really a robot! One robot killed another robot in order to try and do exactly the same thing! You know what this reminded me of? That Red Dwarf episode, “Psirens”. So yes, Cap quoted a famous movie about a murderous robot because he himself was a murderous robot! I love this book so much. I’m also looking forward to the explanation for why Wolverine wasn’t able to smell the fact that these guys were fakes. Because I know an explanation is coming! It’s Loeb!

In between miraculously recovering from drugs overdoses and escaping ankle-tagging house arrest (explanation : “That’s not important right now”) Hank Pym still finds time to wish for the death of America’s greatest super-hero. So hey, one aspect of Ultimates characterisation IS still intact!

Pages 9 to… oh, God, I don’t know, this goes on for ages

So now we’re treated to a whole bunch of pages of the Ultimates fighting the Brotherhood of Mutants. I’m not quite sure why this is happening, to be honest. As far as I can see, Wanda was murdered, and her body taken by Magneto and Pietro. I think the Ultimates think Magneto did it, although I don’t know why they think they’re more qualified to comment than Pietro. Anyway, their response to this is to go to the Savage Land and FIGHT MUTANTS, rather than letting two men grieve the loss of their daughter/sister.

Anyway, Hawkeye acts like a dick, Sabretooth fights tigers (DO YOU SEE BECAUSE THEY ARE SABRE TOOTHED TIGERS), Shanna does nothing but call Ka-Zarr “lover”, the Juggernaut shows up, Wolverine says “@#$%” a lot, and Valkyrie is made to wonder if her life as a hero is real or imaginary, even though Millar already did THAT EXACT SAME PLOT WITH THOR.

Oh, and Pyro, last seen in Ultimate X-Men as one of the, er, X-Men, appears to have turned into Doctor Light.

Page 20 –

“Apart from being all kinds of dead, yeah”

Oh, wait, this might be another attempt at foreshadowing. Like the fact that we suddenly don’t know where Captain America is, and yet we still haven’t heard Black Panther speak. Whoooooh.

Page 21 –

“Er, because I’m not mincing around fretting about things?

Er, Jan. Read Secret Invasion. Or watch any film ever where someone has had to prove to someone else who they really are. Incidentally, female characters in this series so far : whiny moaning Wanda, boobs-hanging-out Valley girl Valkyrie, boobs-hanging-out cavegirl Shanna, and Jan the Thicko. Well played, Loeb!

Fractionalize. Verb. 1. To appear in a Matt Fraction comic. Usage example : “Tony Stark was so much better when he was Fractionalized, rather than Loebotomized.”

Also, did Loeb really just use the word “poo”? Really?

Page 22 -

Dude, you’re an extremely lifelike humanoid robot masquerading as a superhero in a plot ripped off from Secret Invasion, Battlestar Galactica or a combination of the two. Odds are, nobody‘s ever thought of you as a toaster. The only things that people think of as toasters are… you know… toasters. And combination grills, at a pinch. Also, ignoring the “hur hur hur, SEX!!!1″ nature of the line, I don’t know about you, but I can think of far worse things to be than a vibrator.

Such as Jeph Loeb, for one.

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Ouch. Truly, even the great Galactus would wince if he received that kind of verbal shredding. But wait! We’re only half done.  Despite James being a big fan of the Hulk, previous issues of his new series have, er, not been received well.

Bad reviews make Hulk angry, I believe, but at least I’m safe from any attacks. After all, with my non-interference pledge, I can be assured that, like Switzerland during World War 2, I remain a neutral, safe and overflowing with Nazi gold. Unlike that fool Uatu, who just has to be on the front line every time Galactus wants a light snack. When will he ever learn?

Next up is James’ take on Hulk #4:

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Marvel have recently released a statement saying that Hulk #4 had, once again, sold out at the print level. While that may be true, it’s nothing if not discouraging. I’ve been reading the Hulk a LONG time, and he’s one of my favourite characters. Today I’m here to tell you why Jeph Loeb’s Hulk #4 is an OBJECTIVELY bad comic. One so bad I couldn’t actually believe what I was reading.

Previously…
THE RED HULK IS ON THE LOOSE AND HE’S A TOTAL @#$%ING BADASS. HE SHOT THE ABOMINATION! HE BEAT UP THE OTHER, RICK “A-BOMB” JONES ABOMINATION, WHO IS NOW BLUE. CAN ANYONE STOP THIS WALKING PILE OF AWESOME? MAYBE, BECAUSE THE GREEN HULK JUST SHOWED UP!

The issue opens with the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY:

That right. The Hulk punches out the Watcher. Why? BECAUSE RED HULK IS THE KEWLEST ONE THERE IS, THAT’S WHY.

We then return to your regularly scheduled “plot” as the Green Hulk, last seen confronting the Red Hulk in the cliffhanger to #3 shows up from wherever he was while Red Hulk was beating up the Watcher.

“After all, it’s been like 2 solid months since the last issue.”

Anyway, the fight we’ve been waiting to see finally begins! Naturally, the Red Hulk’s going to win, because he’s a COMPLETE BADASS. And how do we know? Because there’s LOTS OF THAT FAKE SWEARING GOING ON:

Seriously, what the hell? If you REALLY think a character needs to swear, let them swear. If not, don’t bother with this half-way house bollocks. Everyone reading @#$% knows what it means, even the kids. Okay, yes, you don’t want swearing in a Marvel all-ages comic. That’s fine, but that means that you SHOULDN’T DO THIS EITHER. The worst crime, though? It’s not even INTERESTING to read. At least when Bendis does the fake swearing, it’s to add texture to character’s individual speech patterns. Here, Loeb is using it purely in the absence of any dialogue that’s actually interesting or witty, to illustrate just how @#$%ING COOL THE MOTHER@#$%ING RED HULK IS. He would totally @#$% your @#$% up, then probably @#$% your sister in her [Volkswagen --ed] just to prove he’s the baddest @#$%er around. You @#$%head.

Anyway, the Red and Green Hulk fight. This takes up 8 pages, mostly of the Red Hulk spewing dialogue about how he is the most awesomest Hulk of the available choices. Green Hulk is finally strangled into unconsciousness, a fate that unfortunately eludes the readers of this comic.

Meanwhile, back at the latest trashed SHIELD Helicarrier, Iron Man and Maria Hill are trying to figure out what happened, when they discover a ripped coat:

Saturated with Gamma radiation, is it? Sounds like the field officers are playing a practical joke on you there, Ms. Hill. Wikipedia describes Gamma Radiation as “the most dangerous form of radiation emitted by a nuclear explosion because of the difficulty in shielding it.” Probably going to need a little more than those tongs to keep you safe. Lucky SHIELD’s no place for kids, because her chances of having any just dropped off the scale.

That’s right. Tony Stark, the Marvel Universe’s premiere futurologist can’t figure out that someone’s Gamma-saturated, shredded coat that tore when the person wearing it GREW suggests that it might belong to THE GAMMA-EMITTING RED HULK THAT DESTROYED THEIR HELICARRIER FROM THE INSIDE. You know, the one they’ve been TRYING TO TRACK DOWN FOR 4 ISSUES.

Elsewhere, the Green Hulk wakes up, and the Red Hulk has a gun stuck right in his mouth! He delivers a big monologue about how difficult it was to keep Hulk Hulked-out while he was unconscious, which he wanted, because…

The main question here, then, is WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE HULK TO WAKE UP TO KILL HIM? If you wanted him dead, AND he was the Hulk while you were bringing him to this bridge for no reason, WHY NOT JUST SHOOT HIM BEFORE HE WAKES UP? You’ll notice the Hulk has a gun in his mouth, so it’s not like Red Hulk is after a fair fight here.

Luckily, the Green Hulk bites the gun in half and escapes by falling off the bridge into a river. Red Hulk declares himself the strongest one there is, thanks to victory by default! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! THE TWO GREATEST WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

But wait! It’s not over! WHO SHOULD SHOW UP BUT THOR? What’s this? Are we in for our third straight issue of Red Hulk Vs. Someone who loses so we know that he’s the most badass punching man in all of Marvel?! I BELIEVE SO! The cliffhanger declares, VERILY:

At which point, my ears actually began to bleed. CONTINUEDETH? Leaving aside the fact that Straczynski’s Thor doesn’t even talk in King James English, STAN LEE HIMSELF WOULDN’T HAVE MANGLED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAT POORLY.

The issue ends with a one-pager by Audrey Loeb and Chris Giarusso, which is far superior to anything on the previous 22 pages.

In summation: Don’t buy Hulk #4. Just don’t. It is VERY BAD.

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See! What did I tell you? Uatu’s had that beating coming to him for years. Well Earthlings, let’s hope we’ve all learnt something from this heinous display of comic-creation. Now it’s time for me to return to my golden castle on the dark side of the moon to lay in seclusion and watch. Only when a comic at least as bad as one of these returns will I emerge again. Until then, know this: if you buy either of these comics, I’ll see you doing it, and I know where you live. And what you do at night when you think you’re alone, you pervert. Adam Hughes would blush.