So, if you’re looking for big Dark Reign moments that start the story down its path to completion – don’t look here. If you’re following Secret Warriors, the story might be much more important, though personally, as someone who hasn’t kept up with the series. I had trouble following this one shot – particularly the final “reveal” which felt a bit too much like Hickman playing up his own indie sensibilities as the story culminates in a multi-page spread of diagrams, with the reader left to decipher to determine the importance of the information within.

Although Nick Fury makes for an engaging lead character – and for the record, the other Secret Warriors don’t even show up – the characterisation of Osborn is far less convincing. In order to make Fury convincingly pull one over on the man who took his old job, Hickman has to dumb him down and remove the threatening uncertainty from Osborn’s character. It’s difficult to enjoy because of that. Where the book does succeed is in the espionage-based action sequences. It’s just a pity that Ed McGuinness, a man recently shown wowing audiences on Hulk with his complete lack of subtlety, should be put on such a title. Frankly, it’s a poor fit.

And so, ultimately, what we’re left with is another instalment in Marvel’s increasing body of comics that misrepresent themselves. This is not as important a story as we’re supposed to believe, and if the trend continues, it won’t be long before tie-ins and cross-promotion becomes completely meaningless. I suspect more than a few people will regret buying this one – not because it’s bad, but because it’s not remotely what it claims to be.

For those wondering, this is an issue of the regular Hulk series in all but name. Loeb and McGuinness are the creative team, and bring with them everything that entails. Splash pages. Nonsensical plot developments. Cringeworthy dialogue. As a matter of considered criticism, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Or perhaps someone else can suggest why “Rulk” suddenly decides, after repeatedly encountering the Hulk, to absorb the gamma energy from him. Makes all the gun-toting of the earlier Hulk issues seem a bit redundant, doesn’t it?

The story does serve to tie together some of the more incomprehensible threads of Loeb’s Hulk run – apparently, A-Bomb, Rulk and more besides are all part of some Gamma-Soldier program being developed by AIM and MODOK. It’s incredibly hard to see this as anything more than revisionist storytelling, since there wasn’t anything to suggest this in the previous year’s worth of stories, at least. We’re also once again teased with the suggestion that we’ll learn the identity of the Red Hulk, and once again, we don’t. It wouldn’t matter if the mystery were compelling, but the longer it’s drawn out, the less sense it makes. Personally, I want to know just so I can see how well the “clues” stack up – right now, the smart money is on General Ross, but only because Rulk uses a gun and keeps calling Banner a “milksop”, which is a word that literally no-one has used since the 1960s.

But let’s assume, for argument’s sake, that Rulk comics are your cup of tea. I like Frank Miller’s All Star Batman in an ironic, deconstructionist way, so I appreciate that there’s room for people to read Loeb’s Hulk too. Issue #600 of Spider-Man treated fans to multiple backups and a massive lead story. Does Hulk #600 do the same?

Not as such.

The lead story is a hair longer than a normal issue. Stan Lee’s short is a demented highlight, but a backup about the new She-Hulk comes over as a transparent marketing exercise. A reprint of Hulk: Gray #1 does, again, make sense if your goal is to shift more copies of the TPB collection, but in an anniversary spectacular, it feels rather cynical and half-hearted. If you’re a big Hulk fan, the issue itself is decent value that, had it could out before Spidey #600, might feel acceptable. But the bar was inadvertantly raised, and if you’re a casual dip-in, dip-out Hulk fan, you probably won’t be pleased with the results.

* Tales to Astonish/Incredible Hulk Vol. 1 – 474 issues.
Hulk/Incredible Hulk Vol. 2 – 112 issues before becoming Incredible Hercules.
Jeph Loeb’s Hulk – 12 published issues
474 + 112 + 12 = 598. Which makes #600 the, er, 599th issue.

No-one here on the moon is quite sure what Jeph Loeb is thinking, but one thing is certain: he’s releasing some of the most error-prone and unreadable comics that Marvel have published for years, and he’s using two of their biggest properties to do it. While I am pledged never to interfere with human events, I can at least rely on the Comics Daily guys to do it for me. What follows is a double-shot examination of the comics in question, starting with a deconstruction of Ultimates v3 #4, by Seb Patrick:

As we mentioned last time, Ultimates really is impossible to review by now – all we can really do is sit here taking potshots at all the ludicrously basic continuity errors, appalling dialogue and general disdain for all that is good and proper about comics. Welcome, then, to JEPH LOEB’S ULTIMATE ULTIMATES #4 – THE STUPID CONTINUES. It’s as much fun as shooting monkeys in a barrel. Or something.

Page 1 –

Oh, that’s a hell of a caption to get us started. So you can be specific (and, er, wrong, as we’ll see) about the location, but not the date? What, exactly, is the point in saying “Years ago”? The page is GREY. Grey is comics shorthand for “years ago”. Way to labour the point, Loeb. Oh, wait, sorry, forgot who I was talking to, there. Keep labouring.

Ignoring yet another instance of misspelling “Erik”, why are they going to Australia? Is that famously-uninhabited island going to be the new home of the mutant race?

Page 2 –
So the plane crashes in the Savage Land. It’s nice, that, the way Erik and Chuck discover the place at the same time. It’s a good job Mark Millar didn’t already write an issue of Ultimate X-Men in which Mags discovered the place on his own and subsequently brought Charlie there, eh?

Remember, kids, Marvel trust Jeph Loeb so much they’re letting him bring about the end of a universe about which he has never read a single comic!

Page 4 –

Baby Ka-Zar and Shanna is such a fucking ridiculous image that I can’t even muster the energy to talk about it.

Page 6 –

Another helpful caption, there, just in case we thought the switch back to colour and the presence of some sabre-toothed tigers made us believe we were in 1980s Brooklyn.

… and here we have the first instance (no, it won’t be the last) of Loeb clearly shoehorning in a line that addresses some of the criticism aimed at his earlier issues. What, you think there’s another reason why this issue was so badly delayed? “Look, everyone, there’s a reason why Thor isn’t using Mjolnir! He just chose to use a different one from the many he has available!” Oh, well. That’s alright, then.

Page 7 –

So Captain America, who doesn’t like swearing or revealing outfits or anything about the world post-1950, is a fan of Terminator 2. Great. Don’t worry, though. This line will be explained later. You’ll love the explanation. Trust me. Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Page 8 –

Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Yes, folks, Cap was really a robot! One robot killed another robot in order to try and do exactly the same thing! You know what this reminded me of? That Red Dwarf episode, “Psirens”. So yes, Cap quoted a famous movie about a murderous robot because he himself was a murderous robot! I love this book so much. I’m also looking forward to the explanation for why Wolverine wasn’t able to smell the fact that these guys were fakes. Because I know an explanation is coming! It’s Loeb!

In between miraculously recovering from drugs overdoses and escaping ankle-tagging house arrest (explanation : “That’s not important right now”) Hank Pym still finds time to wish for the death of America’s greatest super-hero. So hey, one aspect of Ultimates characterisation IS still intact!

Pages 9 to… oh, God, I don’t know, this goes on for ages

So now we’re treated to a whole bunch of pages of the Ultimates fighting the Brotherhood of Mutants. I’m not quite sure why this is happening, to be honest. As far as I can see, Wanda was murdered, and her body taken by Magneto and Pietro. I think the Ultimates think Magneto did it, although I don’t know why they think they’re more qualified to comment than Pietro. Anyway, their response to this is to go to the Savage Land and FIGHT MUTANTS, rather than letting two men grieve the loss of their daughter/sister.

Anyway, Hawkeye acts like a dick, Sabretooth fights tigers (DO YOU SEE BECAUSE THEY ARE SABRE TOOTHED TIGERS), Shanna does nothing but call Ka-Zarr “lover”, the Juggernaut shows up, Wolverine says “@#$%” a lot, and Valkyrie is made to wonder if her life as a hero is real or imaginary, even though Millar already did THAT EXACT SAME PLOT WITH THOR.

Oh, and Pyro, last seen in Ultimate X-Men as one of the, er, X-Men, appears to have turned into Doctor Light.

Page 20 –

“Apart from being all kinds of dead, yeah”

Oh, wait, this might be another attempt at foreshadowing. Like the fact that we suddenly don’t know where Captain America is, and yet we still haven’t heard Black Panther speak. Whoooooh.

Page 21 –

“Er, because I’m not mincing around fretting about things?

Er, Jan. Read Secret Invasion. Or watch any film ever where someone has had to prove to someone else who they really are. Incidentally, female characters in this series so far : whiny moaning Wanda, boobs-hanging-out Valley girl Valkyrie, boobs-hanging-out cavegirl Shanna, and Jan the Thicko. Well played, Loeb!

Fractionalize. Verb. 1. To appear in a Matt Fraction comic. Usage example : “Tony Stark was so much better when he was Fractionalized, rather than Loebotomized.”

Also, did Loeb really just use the word “poo”? Really?

Page 22 -

Dude, you’re an extremely lifelike humanoid robot masquerading as a superhero in a plot ripped off from Secret Invasion, Battlestar Galactica or a combination of the two. Odds are, nobody’s ever thought of you as a toaster. The only things that people think of as toasters are… you know… toasters. And combination grills, at a pinch. Also, ignoring the “hur hur hur, SEX!!!1″ nature of the line, I don’t know about you, but I can think of far worse things to be than a vibrator.

Such as Jeph Loeb, for one.

Ouch. Truly, even the great Galactus would wince if he received that kind of verbal shredding. But wait! We’re only half done.  Despite James being a big fan of the Hulk, previous issues of his new series have, er, not been received well.

Bad reviews make Hulk angry, I believe, but at least I’m safe from any attacks. After all, with my non-interference pledge, I can be assured that, like Switzerland during World War 2, I remain a neutral, safe and overflowing with Nazi gold. Unlike that fool Uatu, who just has to be on the front line every time Galactus wants a light snack. When will he ever learn?

Next up is James’ take on Hulk #4:

Marvel have recently released a statement saying that Hulk #4 had, once again, sold out at the print level. While that may be true, it’s nothing if not discouraging. I’ve been reading the Hulk a LONG time, and he’s one of my favourite characters. Today I’m here to tell you why Jeph Loeb’s Hulk #4 is an OBJECTIVELY bad comic. One so bad I couldn’t actually believe what I was reading.

Previously…
THE RED HULK IS ON THE LOOSE AND HE’S A TOTAL @#$%ING BADASS. HE SHOT THE ABOMINATION! HE BEAT UP THE OTHER, RICK “A-BOMB” JONES ABOMINATION, WHO IS NOW BLUE. CAN ANYONE STOP THIS WALKING PILE OF AWESOME? MAYBE, BECAUSE THE GREEN HULK JUST SHOWED UP!

The issue opens with the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY:

That right. The Hulk punches out the Watcher. Why? BECAUSE RED HULK IS THE KEWLEST ONE THERE IS, THAT’S WHY.

We then return to your regularly scheduled “plot” as the Green Hulk, last seen confronting the Red Hulk in the cliffhanger to #3 shows up from wherever he was while Red Hulk was beating up the Watcher.

“After all, it’s been like 2 solid months since the last issue.”

Anyway, the fight we’ve been waiting to see finally begins! Naturally, the Red Hulk’s going to win, because he’s a COMPLETE BADASS. And how do we know? Because there’s LOTS OF THAT FAKE SWEARING GOING ON:

Seriously, what the hell? If you REALLY think a character needs to swear, let them swear. If not, don’t bother with this half-way house bollocks. Everyone reading @#$% knows what it means, even the kids. Okay, yes, you don’t want swearing in a Marvel all-ages comic. That’s fine, but that means that you SHOULDN’T DO THIS EITHER. The worst crime, though? It’s not even INTERESTING to read. At least when Bendis does the fake swearing, it’s to add texture to character’s individual speech patterns. Here, Loeb is using it purely in the absence of any dialogue that’s actually interesting or witty, to illustrate just how @#$%ING COOL THE MOTHER@#$%ING RED HULK IS. He would totally @#$% your @#$% up, then probably @#$% your sister in her [Volkswagen --ed] just to prove he’s the baddest @#$%er around. You @#$%head.

Anyway, the Red and Green Hulk fight. This takes up 8 pages, mostly of the Red Hulk spewing dialogue about how he is the most awesomest Hulk of the available choices. Green Hulk is finally strangled into unconsciousness, a fate that unfortunately eludes the readers of this comic.

Meanwhile, back at the latest trashed SHIELD Helicarrier, Iron Man and Maria Hill are trying to figure out what happened, when they discover a ripped coat:

Saturated with Gamma radiation, is it? Sounds like the field officers are playing a practical joke on you there, Ms. Hill. Wikipedia describes Gamma Radiation as “the most dangerous form of radiation emitted by a nuclear explosion because of the difficulty in shielding it.” Probably going to need a little more than those tongs to keep you safe. Lucky SHIELD’s no place for kids, because her chances of having any just dropped off the scale.

That’s right. Tony Stark, the Marvel Universe’s premiere futurologist can’t figure out that someone’s Gamma-saturated, shredded coat that tore when the person wearing it GREW suggests that it might belong to THE GAMMA-EMITTING RED HULK THAT DESTROYED THEIR HELICARRIER FROM THE INSIDE. You know, the one they’ve been TRYING TO TRACK DOWN FOR 4 ISSUES.

Elsewhere, the Green Hulk wakes up, and the Red Hulk has a gun stuck right in his mouth! He delivers a big monologue about how difficult it was to keep Hulk Hulked-out while he was unconscious, which he wanted, because…

The main question here, then, is WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE HULK TO WAKE UP TO KILL HIM? If you wanted him dead, AND he was the Hulk while you were bringing him to this bridge for no reason, WHY NOT JUST SHOOT HIM BEFORE HE WAKES UP? You’ll notice the Hulk has a gun in his mouth, so it’s not like Red Hulk is after a fair fight here.

Luckily, the Green Hulk bites the gun in half and escapes by falling off the bridge into a river. Red Hulk declares himself the strongest one there is, thanks to victory by default! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! THE TWO GREATEST WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

But wait! It’s not over! WHO SHOULD SHOW UP BUT THOR? What’s this? Are we in for our third straight issue of Red Hulk Vs. Someone who loses so we know that he’s the most badass punching man in all of Marvel?! I BELIEVE SO! The cliffhanger declares, VERILY:

At which point, my ears actually began to bleed. CONTINUEDETH? Leaving aside the fact that Straczynski’s Thor doesn’t even talk in King James English, STAN LEE HIMSELF WOULDN’T HAVE MANGLED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAT POORLY.

The issue ends with a one-pager by Audrey Loeb and Chris Giarusso, which is far superior to anything on the previous 22 pages.

In summation: Don’t buy Hulk #4. Just don’t. It is VERY BAD.

See! What did I tell you? Uatu’s had that beating coming to him for years. Well Earthlings, let’s hope we’ve all learnt something from this heinous display of comic-creation. Now it’s time for me to return to my golden castle on the dark side of the moon to lay in seclusion and watch. Only when a comic at least as bad as one of these returns will I emerge again. Until then, know this: if you buy either of these comics, I’ll see you doing it, and I know where you live. And what you do at night when you think you’re alone, you pervert. Adam Hughes would blush.

The rest of the issue – well, it’s just more of the same now. If you were, for whatever reason, intrigued or entertained by the Red Hulk saga, good luck, there’s plenty more of it here. As for who the Red Hulk is, well, with the Rick Jones theory properly debunked, it seems fairly obvious that Loeb is pointing at Doc. Samson, using the same deeply obvious narrative feints he employed in Ultimates of having people say “Doc Samson disappeared, then the Red Hulk showed up!” – as in Ultimates, whether it’s a misdirection or not isn’t clear, but for the sake of good writing everywhere, I hope so.

Now, to be fair, this is by far the best issue of the series, but that’s not saying a huge amount. One definite criticism worth levelling is that there’s not a lot of story here at all. Perhaps Loeb is trying to play to McGunness’ strengths by focusing on splash pages and spreads, or perhaps he’s just gotten lazy. Either way, as a result Hulk #3 is the light comic that won’t spoil – or sate – your appetite between real stories.  To Loeb’s credit, I find myself intrigued by what Banner and Ross might have talked about that they kept secret, but it’s not enough for me.

At the end of the issue, Banner escapes his cell by, er, changing into the Hulk and smashing his way out. At this point, imagine me rolling my eyes. The man destroyed most of New York and enslaved a bunch of heroes and they way they deal with him is to lock him in a cell that can’t even hold him. Really? And the triumphant return of the Green Hulk, who was so vengeful he almost destroyed the planet, is… a return to the old childlike Hulk? Pak’s near-masterful Hulk epic is being effectively erased from history. So much for the “amazing” third act of Planet Hulk/Word War Hulk we were promised Loeb would deliver. The title’s become a complete train wreck and I’d sooner see Loeb off it for good. Avoid. At all costs.

The issue opens with Iron Man, Maria Hill and She-Hulk investigating the murder of the Abomination by the Hulk. (I’m not going to mention that Stark and Shulkie weren’t really on speaking terms at the end of Civil War. Oh, oops.) Doc. Samson and Thunderbolt Ross are around, though largely off-panel, and it’s never mentioned what they learnt from Banner last issue, if indeed anything.

They ascertain that the gun the Hulk used to shoot the Abomination was SHIELD-issue, although they do conveniently sweep under the rug any reason SHIELD would need a gun big enough for the Hulk to shoot. Suddenly, the Red Hulk appears, smashing their new Helicarrier up something chronic. At the same time, someone - either the Red Hulk or someone affiliated with him - unleashes a virus on SHIELD’s computer system that wipes all information about the Hulk clean as he escapes.

Later, Rick Jones, last seen half-naked in the Alaskan Wilderness, has hitched a ride to Gamma Base. Here, he is attacked by the Red Hulk, who makes some vague proclamations about how he thought Rick was dead, and how he’s upset that he’s not. This makes Rick angry, and as we know, in Hulk books, you won’t like it when someone gets angry. He begins “hulking-out” – except he’s not a Hulk. He’s an Abomination. A Blue Abomination. Who calls himself…

Deep breaths….

A-Bomb.

Now, seriously. I know that it’s almost unreasonably difficult to come up with new character names that don’t sound stupid after 60 years and millions of comic characters, but seriously? A-Bomb? And he’s blue because… well, why exactly? Are confusing colour changes just what’s happening now? Expect to see a Purple version of the Leader! A Pink Wendigo! Doc Samson with Indigo hair! Hey man, everyone’s doing it! Let’s sing us a whole freaking rainbow of re-coloured Hulk characters!

Some people aren’t fans, but I find McGuiness’ art largely enjoyable. The action sequence on the exterior of the Helicarrier is undeniably fantastic, and reminds me most of Frank Cho’s Mighty Avengers work. McGuinness, if nothing else, is doing a really great audition for an Iron Man book. With a decent script, I’m confident I could enjoy a McGuinness-pencilled title, but as we know – good art can’t save bad writing. Van Gogh couldn’t salvage this mess.

The Red Hulk does actually show up in this issue, so we’re at least improving slightly in that regard, but let’s not kid ourselves - you’d need to be a real masochist to want to read issue 3 after this nonsense. For now, the Hulk title and I are going to be parting ways. In the mean time, well, I hesitate to say again, but for anyone looking for some decent Hulk action… Ultimate Human…

Finally! A comic we can enjoy on its own terms. Good old Hulk. The story of mild-mannered scientist Bruce Banner, caught in gamma bomb explosion and mutated in the rampaging green monster, the Hulk. Yeah, Hulk Smash! Simple enough for anyone to understand and gloriously timeless to boot.

What’s that you say? He’s RED now? Well, that’s sort of interesting. Oh, and he’s not Bruce Banner? That’s… well that’s a bit weird, but okay. Sorry? He’s NOT rampaging anymore, but instead he’s shooting the Abomination in the head with a pistol? Excuse me, I think I may have picked up the wrong comic, just let me check the cover a second. Nope, nope, definitely says Hulk #1 on the front… What’s that smaller word there?  Something like lo…loed…aha! It’s LOEB. This comic is written by JEPH LOEB!

Oh.

Yes, friends, the man who recently brought us a solid contender for the most widely mocked comic of 2007 has somehow found time to work his magic on the Jade Giant (or should that be Crimson Colossus?) Much like Ultimates, it’s hard to list Hulk #1’s faults because it’s so brainless. Perhaps the funniest thing is that Loeb has used the same assassination mystery in both Hulk and Ultimates, as both titles now set about investigating who just shot their long-standing cast member. One assumes Loeb simply phoned the scripts in during coffee breaks on the Heroes set.

Even John Byrne’s famously stalled reboot (the last time we saw a Hulk #1) was better than this - trust me, I was there. When the next Hulk movie comes out this year and people flock to the stores to buy the latest Hulk collection, they are going to find the TPB that starts with this issue, and then they’re going to come back the following day and punch their bookseller in the ear.

The mystery behind the red Hulk appears to relate to the Cold War. Well, as Calvin Harris once said, it was acceptable in the 80s. The new Hulk is red like a Soviet Socialist and chances are he’ll be a Russian Super-Soldier of some kind, hence the appearance of Marvel’s generic Russian superheroes, the Winter Guard. In fact, the new Hulk isn’t even IN this issue, only the supporting cast. That nonsense might fly over in Captain America, but Loeb’s no Brubaker.

The good? Well… Rick Jones is back, and he’s been absent for too long. Okay, last time we saw him he was speared through the gut, but I assume that’ll be addressed. There’s some nudging for us to infer that he’sthe Red Hulk, but I’m not buying it even a little bit. McGuinness’ art may not be to everyone’s taste, but it is pleasingly chunky, which is good for a title that relies on the sheer scale of its lead character’s appearance.

And… that’s about it. This is indeed a rare thing – a Hulk comic for people who don’t want to read about the Hulk. Loeb spent most of 2007 demolishing his reputation with some high-profile misfires and only one genuinely decent series (Fallen Son) to his name. 2008 isn’t off to a good start.