The weekly news-commentary piece returns after a 2-week, Bristol-motivated absence to discuss the industry’s latest developments, with a look at James Robinson and Geoff Johns’ Superman, Jim Mahfood’s latest announcement, some stuff about the book we all love to hate, Ultimates, and links to a couple of columns about the tenuous relationship between comics and Hollywood.

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The issue opens with the aftermath of the red hulk destroying a helicarrier. Now, I know this isn’t Loeb’s fault so much as Marvel editorial’s, but seriously, how many Helicarriers are there? Seems like half the time the only reason they ever show up is to be destroyed. Let’s just say I’m not the only one who’s noticed. The thing about storytelling is that if you repeatedly destroy a SHIELD helicarrier, it ceases to seem threatening when someone does it, and what’s more, SHIELD start to look like a bunch of muppets. Someone needs to balance this out ASAP by having SHIELD show up and actually do something helpful that doesn’t end with the helicarrier blowing up, for a change. Or maybe they’re took SKRULLY for that.

The rest of the issue - well, it’s just more of the same now. If you were, for whatever reason, intrigued or entertained by the Red Hulk saga, good luck, there’s plenty more of it here. As for who the Red Hulk is, well, with the Rick Jones theory properly debunked, it seems fairly obvious that Loeb is pointing at Doc. Samson, using the same deeply obvious narrative feints he employed in Ultimates of having people say “Doc Samson disappeared, then the Red Hulk showed up!” - as in Ultimates, whether it’s a misdirection or not isn’t clear, but for the sake of good writing everywhere, I hope so.

Now, to be fair, this is by far the best issue of the series, but that’s not saying a huge amount. One definite criticism worth levelling is that there’s not a lot of story here at all. Perhaps Loeb is trying to play to McGunness’ strengths by focusing on splash pages and spreads, or perhaps he’s just gotten lazy. Either way, as a result Hulk #3 is the light comic that won’t spoil - or sate - your appetite between real stories.  To Loeb’s credit, I find myself intrigued by what Banner and Ross might have talked about that they kept secret, but it’s not enough for me.

At the end of the issue, Banner escapes his cell by, er, changing into the Hulk and smashing his way out. At this point, imagine me rolling my eyes. The man destroyed most of New York and enslaved a bunch of heroes and they way they deal with him is to lock him in a cell that can’t even hold him. Really? And the triumphant return of the Green Hulk, who was so vengeful he almost destroyed the planet, is… a return to the old childlike Hulk? Pak’s near-masterful Hulk epic is being effectively erased from history. So much for the “amazing” third act of Planet Hulk/Word War Hulk we were promised Loeb would deliver. The title’s become a complete train wreck and I’d sooner see Loeb off it for good. Avoid. At all costs.

Ed Brubaker’s latest Criminal TPB - Lawless - gets looked at by James, there’s some scary news about the future of Buffy Season 8, a tip about one of comics’ up-and-coming artist offering cut-price commissions, some speculation about just what’s going on with the GL Corps’ new rivals and a little more about Morrison’s Batman.

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Okay, just so we’re clear - this blog isn’t going to turn into some kind of anti-Loeb forum - god knows I’d rather be reading good comics than reviewing his bad ones - but it’s also not my fault that Hulk #2 and Ultimates #3 came out the same week.  It IS my fault that I gave his Hulk run a second chance, though. I do genuinely love the Hulk as a character, and foolishly, I thought it couldn’t get any worse than issue #1…

The issue opens with Iron Man, Maria Hill and She-Hulk investigating the murder of the Abomination by the Hulk. (I’m not going to mention that Stark and Shulkie weren’t really on speaking terms at the end of Civil War. Oh, oops.) Doc. Samson and Thunderbolt Ross are around, though largely off-panel, and it’s never mentioned what they learnt from Banner last issue, if indeed anything.

They ascertain that the gun the Hulk used to shoot the Abomination was SHIELD-issue, although they do conveniently sweep under the rug any reason SHIELD would need a gun big enough for the Hulk to shoot. Suddenly, the Red Hulk appears, smashing their new Helicarrier up something chronic. At the same time, someone - either the Red Hulk or someone affiliated with him - unleashes a virus on SHIELD’s computer system that wipes all information about the Hulk clean as he escapes.

Later, Rick Jones, last seen half-naked in the Alaskan Wilderness, has hitched a ride to Gamma Base. Here, he is attacked by the Red Hulk, who makes some vague proclamations about how he thought Rick was dead, and how he’s upset that he’s not. This makes Rick angry, and as we know, in Hulk books, you won’t like it when someone gets angry. He begins “hulking-out” - except he’s not a Hulk. He’s an Abomination. A Blue Abomination. Who calls himself…

Deep breaths….

A-Bomb.

Now, seriously. I know that it’s almost unreasonably difficult to come up with new character names that don’t sound stupid after 60 years and millions of comic characters, but seriously? A-Bomb? And he’s blue because… well, why exactly? Are confusing colour changes just what’s happening now? Expect to see a Purple version of the Leader! A Pink Wendigo! Doc Samson with Indigo hair! Hey man, everyone’s doing it! Let’s sing us a whole freaking rainbow of re-coloured Hulk characters!

Some people aren’t fans, but I find McGuiness’ art largely enjoyable. The action sequence on the exterior of the Helicarrier is undeniably fantastic, and reminds me most of Frank Cho’s Mighty Avengers work. McGuinness, if nothing else, is doing a really great audition for an Iron Man book. With a decent script, I’m confident I could enjoy a McGuinness-pencilled title, but as we know - good art can’t save bad writing. Van Gogh couldn’t salvage this mess.

The Red Hulk does actually show up in this issue, so we’re at least improving slightly in that regard, but let’s not kid ourselves - you’d need to be a real masochist to want to read issue 3 after this nonsense. For now, the Hulk title and I are going to be parting ways. In the mean time, well, I hesitate to say again, but for anyone looking for some decent Hulk action… Ultimate Human…

There’s little point reviewing Jeph Loeb’s Ultimates by now.  If you’re still buying it, then you deserve all you’re getting, frankly. If you want to read about the real Ultimates, well, go and buy Ultimate Human instead, because it’s MUCH BETTER. Now, while we take the fairly healthy line that in comics, continuity is merely a tool that can be used to help or hinder a good story, that doesn’t mean that we’re ignorant of it. It also doesn’t mean we can resist shooting fish in a barrel. Today, rather than a review, Seb and I have compiled a list of all the ways in which Loeb has screwed up in another exciting issue of Jeph Loeb’s Ultimate Ultimates!

PREVIOUSLY: A whole bunch of unreadable shit happened! The Scarlet Witch is dead! Quicksilver left with Magneto! Wolverine turns up at the Ultimate Avengers Ultimate Mansion! And then the problems begin, as he starts to investigate what’s been going on here, generally rubbing everyone up the wrong way.

Three Kids. Hawkeye had THREE KIDS. This mistake so upsets Hawkeye that rather than noticing, he initiates a double-page spread with Wolverine! Luckily Captain America is available to intervene. But he doesn’t like what he’s hearing!

You might have noticed that Ultimate Cap has been reduced to a single note of characterisation. For you see, he is from the Ultimate 40s, and back then, no-one swore or had sex, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to allow a single instance of any of that sort of thing pass without comment. For instance, last issue:

Or the issue before that: 

It’s not quite as subtle as when he was trying to reassemble his record collection, is it? Additionally, check that first panel again. It’s fairly amusing that after years of forgetting to draw Wolverine as a shorter man, artists are now forgetting that Ultimate Wolverine is not short like the 616 version. Or perhaps you missed his previous, ooh, hundred appearances?

Luckily Thor is around to stop the fighting. As established last issue, in order to prove that he was a genuine Norse god, Thor had taken to talking perfect English, but now he doesn’t have to pretend! Er, sure. Presumably, this is because Thor recognised that a Norseman talking in King James English is a completely bonkers idea best left in the 60s, and if he’d done that in front of Millar’s Ultimates team they’d have thrown him in the crazy house immediately. It would have been stupid then, and hey! IT’S STUPID NOW.

And what’s worse, it appears to be catching on. Wolverine then tries to explain, using “logic”, why everyone should’ve seen this coming, relating the time he had sex with the Scarlet Witch’s mother, Ultimate Magda:

It’s not surprising he’s staring so hard. Either she’s got some kind of adamantium-laced breasts, or gravity has taken leave of its senses. Either way, when the room you’re having sex in appears to be entirely on fire, it’s probably not worth worrying about. Before the whole place can burn down, though, Logan experiences a severe turn of Coitus Interruptus when Magneto bursts through the door!

“First you sleep with my wife, then you misspell my name in flashback!”

Having been kicked to the curb, Logan narrates the first time he met the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, when he joined the brotherhood.

This may just be Loeb responding directly to criticisms about the Scarlet Witch’s slutwear costume (in much the same way as the issue’s RECAP PAGE *finally* tackles both the reason Hank isn’t in the Triskelion, and why Valkyrie has powers…) but why does Logan say “Didn’t ANY of you notice what she was wearing recently?” Why would it be significant to them? No-one in the Ultimates would have ever seen anything besides her Shield uniform, would they?

And let’s get this straight. This scene happens post Weapon X, pre-Ultimate X-Men. That is, during the period where Wolverine had his brain wiped, and didn’t know his own name. He only found it out when (a) Captain America recognised him from the ’40s and called him it, and (b) when Cyclops gave him a wedding ring with it engraved on (er, in a non-gay way). There is absolutely NO conceivable way he would have known it at this point, and even less reason for Wanda to.

Magneto is so upset by this whole state of affairs that he takes the only reasonable action:

Magneto hates his son, sure. But he’s still his son, and Mags has more morals than that (when it comes to mutants, anyway). Unfortunately, Wolverine fails to carry out his test of loyalty when Wanda intervenes, and presumably, the whole matter is dropped forever. You see, deciding to kill your son is the kind of issue you can really flip-flop over. If at first you don’t succeed, forget you ever tried, right? Surely, if Magneto ever wanted to kill Pietro, he’d have done so when he shot him through the kneecaps?

Luckily for Wolverine, Jeph Loeb has never read an Ultimate Comic. Wanda, as written here, is so far removed from the way she was as introduced in Ultimate X-Men that it’s hard to know where to start. Where’s the smart, sensual, confident women who attempted to seduce Cyclops and was a major part of the Brotherhood’s plotting? All we’ve got here is a wet, soppy, poor, whinging excuse for a character. “Oh, I don’t WANT to conjure that! I don’t LIKE dinosaurs! These clothes are too restrictive!”

Just in case it’s not clear, it seems that this entire plot is setting up, god help us, some kind of Ultimate House of M. At the very least, we seem to be getting Ultimate Avengers Disassembled right now. Sounds to me like Ultimatum might just involve Wanda “rewriting” the Ultimate Universe…

Back in the future, nobody is really sure what Wolverine was trying to tell them, but Jan decides that some of them will go and find Magneto, presumably to ask him to clarify this confusing sequence of events. She forbids Cap to come along, because for some reason, she thinks that Captain America - a man from the 40s, lest we forget - is best placed to deal with the media interest on this story. 

Speaking of which, remember when Janet was the most damaged of a damaged group of individuals, battling a severe case of self-loathing that kept driving her back to an abusive husband? Loeb doesn’t, so instead she’s the leader, perfectly “normal”, and utterly devoid of anything resembling “character”.

The team going to find Magneto, however, does include the “Black” “Panther” - a strange mute character with an unexplained, mysterious connection to Captain America. And hey, where had he been just now? And where did Cap suddenly disappear to? Why, it’s almost like we’ve never seen them in the same place at once! And Wolverine appears to know the man wearing the costume! But guys, don’t worry - we figured it out. The Black Panther is actually Ultimate US Agent in disguise. I’ve got a good feeling about that prediction.

Seriously, it’s so blatant, it’s hard to tell whether this is some genuine, sound misdirection, or if Loeb has totally taken leave of his senses and thinks that this kind of thing counts as “subtle foreshadowing.” Time will tell.

On her way to the jet, the Wasp encounters Iron Man!

Honestly, Mr. Madureira, we know you draw everyone like they’re from a Japanese cartoon, but when one of the characters actually is Asian, please at least try to acknowledge that somehow.

Unfortunately, it’s not Iron Man, but a robot of some kind, who delivers a piece of critical exposition, before electrocuting Jan. Meanwhile, in the Savage Land, we get the final-page reveal the fans have been clamouring for since the Ultimate line was launched.

Oh yeah! Ultimate Zabu! Just when you think Ultimates can’t get any stupider, something like this happens. AND TOTALLY REDEEMS IT! ROLL ON ISSUE 4!

Finally! A comic we can enjoy on its own terms. Good old Hulk. The story of mild-mannered scientist Bruce Banner, caught in gamma bomb explosion and mutated in the rampaging green monster, the Hulk. Yeah, Hulk Smash! Simple enough for anyone to understand and gloriously timeless to boot.

What’s that you say? He’s RED now? Well, that’s sort of interesting. Oh, and he’s not Bruce Banner? That’s… well that’s a bit weird, but okay. Sorry? He’s NOT rampaging anymore, but instead he’s shooting the Abomination in the head with a pistol? Excuse me, I think I may have picked up the wrong comic, just let me check the cover a second. Nope, nope, definitely says Hulk #1 on the front… What’s that smaller word there?  Something like lo…loed…aha! It’s LOEB. This comic is written by JEPH LOEB!

Oh.

Yes, friends, the man who recently brought us a solid contender for the most widely mocked comic of 2007 has somehow found time to work his magic on the Jade Giant (or should that be Crimson Colossus?) Much like Ultimates, it’s hard to list Hulk #1’s faults because it’s so brainless. Perhaps the funniest thing is that Loeb has used the same assassination mystery in both Hulk and Ultimates, as both titles now set about investigating who just shot their long-standing cast member. One assumes Loeb simply phoned the scripts in during coffee breaks on the Heroes set.

Even John Byrne’s famously stalled reboot (the last time we saw a Hulk #1) was better than this - trust me, I was there. When the next Hulk movie comes out this year and people flock to the stores to buy the latest Hulk collection, they are going to find the TPB that starts with this issue, and then they’re going to come back the following day and punch their bookseller in the ear.

The mystery behind the red Hulk appears to relate to the Cold War. Well, as Calvin Harris once said, it was acceptable in the 80s. The new Hulk is red like a Soviet Socialist and chances are he’ll be a Russian Super-Soldier of some kind, hence the appearance of Marvel’s generic Russian superheroes, the Winter Guard. In fact, the new Hulk isn’t even IN this issue, only the supporting cast. That nonsense might fly over in Captain America, but Loeb’s no Brubaker.

The good? Well… Rick Jones is back, and he’s been absent for too long. Okay, last time we saw him he was speared through the gut, but I assume that’ll be addressed. There’s some nudging for us to infer that he’sthe Red Hulk, but I’m not buying it even a little bit. McGuinness’ art may not be to everyone’s taste, but it is pleasingly chunky, which is good for a title that relies on the sheer scale of its lead character’s appearance.

And… that’s about it. This is indeed a rare thing - a Hulk comic for people who don’t want to read about the Hulk. Loeb spent most of 2007 demolishing his reputation with some high-profile misfires and only one genuinely decent series (Fallen Son) to his name. 2008 isn’t off to a good start.